These are two unlikely combined adjectives that describe me at this time. I feel as though I am walking the way to enlightenment barefoot on uneven ground with twigs and pebbles. Sometimes I get step on a clear patch of dirt, sometimes I don’t.
More truthfully and less poetically; I feel – though rarely- sometimes I come out on top as far as living righteously. Most times, I feel like I could have done better. In hindsight, most times I could have.
It’s hard trying to do the right thing when you feel crossed or agitated because of someone or something. My advice…
do it anyway. I’m not judging or taking a holier than thou approach. I humble myself to take my own advice when I feel I am right on the money. (It’s also because most times I am the only one that I will listen to, so I better get something good out of it.)
In short, I’m unsatisfied with myself; I still have a long way to go before I become the person that I want to be.
Now the renewed part:
I think it was Saturday morning when I really felt like,
“I don’t want to bullsh#t around anymore…I have things I need/want to do.” Right now it’s coming on strong as I am typing this. My second post tonight, who’d’ve thunk it? Deep down – and I can feel the dark uncertainties wading in deepness of my subconscience that hides itself from all men – I am fearful of how long this determination will last. It always seems to fade and then I hate myself for it.
But even though I stayed in my bed until after noon; here I am up after midnight writing this post. *shoulder shrug* I am not a morning person and doubt I ever will be; I truly work better after 12pm.
TO END MY POST:
But yadda yadda, why does this post belong in this “Fruitful Living” category? Well, number one, to connect. If anyone feels the way I feel they know they are not alone and they can feel encouraged to keep trying. Also, I did something.
I get Foodstamps. I don’t eat meat or starches so I really don’t buy that much food. I have a great amount left that I know could benefit other people who really need it. So I updated my fb status:
Well I got a few likes and kudos but no one inboxed me. So, I thought, “Someone out here needs this”. They can be discreet; I won’t tell their business – info I should have added to my status instead of in response to a comment. (Hindsight is 20/20).
Then I thought: What did Jesus do? Cliche? Yeah, maybe, but on the right track. Anytime Jesus taught, he sought out crowds, he went to people. My friend, very recently told me we have mutual friend that could use some help. But the other thing I am going to do is go to the super market and pay for someones groceries and pray and hope someone else will pay it forward too.
Seeing the people, He felt compassion for them, because they were distressed and dispirited like sheep without a shepherd. 37Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. 38“Therefore beseech the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into His harvest.”