My Friday

I woke up early. In truth I usually do. And if you read my post, I do what?



I am not going to answer that because my true friends will know what it is. So since I moved in with Lady., I really am responsible for myself. There is no mother that keeps coming in my room disturbing me, no voices non- directly reminding me that I have important duties to tend to; it’s all me.

I got up at 8am and didn’t really get up until 10am, ahem, well 10…something, when I knew I had to catch to buses to be at a doctor’s appointment at 1pm. I know you are tired of me singing the same old song and so am I. I am glad they still saw me because I am a new patient.

I saw the gastroenterologist and asked me him if they could take out my colon.

“You want a colostomy bag?” He said it like a parent would when know you would prefer something else even if you don’t. I said know a new colon would be nice.

Well they only remove colons under very serious circumstances and my IBS wasn’t very serious. He gave some liquid I should take as needed to help me out.

I went to the library to get some work done and forgot on Fridays they close at 5:30. So when I left in my cute – but – not really – warm sweater and thin leggings, I wasn’t prepared to wait outside my church in the wind and cold. Dance practice hadn’t started yet so the church was not open.

‘Hey I’m at church and I’m cold,’ I texted two of my dance members. I did a brisk walk to 7/11 in the hopes they didn’t kick me out. I stood in there for a couple of minutes and pretended I couldn’t decide what to get before I was picked up.


After dance was choir rehearsal and “Ride on King Jesus” was our practiced selection. Ending rehearsal we said our pastor prayed a departing prayer and as Nettie and knitted our hands together I couldn’t help but feel this is what it is really about,


We were on one accord and of one mine – the thought to go home. =-P But seriously in that moment I felt a family and a camaraderie that God calls for when he commands that all of His children be of one accord. It was garnished with discussion I had with my pastor about human nature and sin. And I just feel like it was a perfect way to end an evening. And maybe, just maybe I got a glimpse into the what the kingdom looks like.


Lonely, alone

So, I moved, YAY!

Yup me and my friend Lady, – yes that is her real name, she’s Liberian – are officially room mates. And as self – mandated we laid some ground rules.

I am to pay electric and internet.

I do not have to leave when the boo comes over.

I have my own key.

We sharing food – I have food stamps.

I’m working everyday.

Before I grabbed my final things from my gran’s, my mom asked for a hug.


“Because your moving out on your own.”

I thought, “well not really.” I begrudgingly gave her one. As Lady went to bed on my first night here, I felt it. I was alone. Let me tell you, I dreamed of being by myself with nothing but myself to keep me company; along with the whiles of my imagination. And now that it’s finally here I feel a little lonely. It’s surreal but falsely so. I am sharing an apartment and still not going half on rent as of now; yet I am alone. I am on my own.

I felt it again when Lady went out on a date. I am alone, sitting here talking to you. I’ll just have to get used to/ get over this feeling. Which I will.


Growing up.

Is this is what work is?

There is sometimes very limited information once you accept a job on the Source4Teachers website. My assignment started at 7:30am.

I was running behind when I finally made it to Passaic, Township. Upon my arrival, I was given my schedule and told to wait in the teacher’s lounge until 9:20. I could have showed up at 9:00. I have never been the one to get to work early to get myself settled in and blah blah blah. That is not me. I am still working on be punctual consistently.

I need more adventure in my life

I hate problems


I think one of the reasons why I sometimes won’t attempt something because I am afraid of failing; or at least tackling a problem which I have no clue how to solve.

Thursday night, working the board for a show and there is no sound. W. T. F. I am sweating. I was taught in school that the sound is the most important thing. Can’t run the show without sound- therein lies the problem. I started to get really hot.

Now, how to fix it?

No idea. Not an option. Figure it out. So for whatever reason the microphones that are usually used in the system weren’t picking up sound. But I know we were getting sound because I could hear it through our board- which means there wasn’t a technical issue with the board. This means there was an issue with the software.

Was the volume turned up? A question – no doubt – any sound critical thinker would have had. The volume was up and had never been turned down so that was out of the equation.

I found a quick solution: one of the mics wasn’t working so I switched it to a camera microphone. This worked temporarily before eventually shutting off the whole computer. I paint calm on my face in order to hide my wrecked nerves. At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if this was my last time working a show for this station.

Holy #$@!

This problem was not solved by the end of the night.

DAY 2:

The next night there is the same issue of no sound. The mic is connected through USB so I detached it from its port and reconnected. When I did this a little icon appeared on the screen to tell me what I did. This icon was key. I clicked it and displayed an array of volume information as well as options to save settings. There were two volume settings one for the headphones – which we checked earlier – and one for the  Ustream’s system microphone.

I raised the levels for the Ustream’s system microphone – an option I did not know even existed. Just like that, we were patched. See, see, see this is why I don’t like getting involved in things. The sweating, worrying and fear of upsetting a client – and boss for all intensive purposes for that matter – infuriated me because the solution was so small. A nearly microscopic discrepancy made a huge difference and I would have never figured it out if I had not used my noodle to move things around.

In the end I’m glad I stuck with it and resolved the issue that left me with more wisdom than my panic took from me. But I will get there early to do an intense overview to avoid problems in the future.

What have you learned from your mistakes. Leave your stories down below; I would love to hear from you.

The fire I make

I worked on the  board for the Woman to Woman to show. The topic was being ‘Addicted to love.’ The guest listed women who were addicted to love show these characteristics: Blow off family friends to stay with partner, get a high initially and then raises conflict when it fades away, one relationship after another etc, etc.

I mentally ticked off in mind, “nope. Not me. Not me.”

Then she said something. If you constantly think about being in a relationship while your single.


The only thing I think about more than being in a relationship is sex. Pretty scandalous for a girl being comfortable single and celibate. But what exactly is my addiction?

I am addicted to creating make believe relationships while I am single.

What do I get out of it? A high; a rush of adrenaline- this warming climatic feeling in the pit of my stomach. Euphoria. These thoughts make me feel full and complete and they comfort me.

But they put me a distance away from reality and they cause me to lust in my heart. While I continue to nurture the thoughts of sex in my mind I will be more enticed to choose to have sex before marriage if provided the opportunity.

Why do I seek this kind of pleasure? I don’t think I feel safe in this world – where everything is temporary and longevity is uncertain. I make believe I am holding on to someone and he is holding on to me. As we hide in my imagination I feel loved and complete.

Have you heard of the phrase, ‘You have a God shaped hole…’ I first came to God of my own accord because I felt empty. And somehow it just made sense to go to God. Like, when you’re hungry, you get something to eat – problem solved. I was empty and I needed to be filled – so I went to God. But this emptiness was deeper than a hunger. And God – it seems funny to me now because I don’t know how this made sense to me as a child even though I did grow up in the church – was/ still is the logical answer.

So why do I still feel empty? One reason is I spend more time lusting than actually letting God work on me. Reading His word, singing His praises are better than focusing on something that’s not meant for me to have at this time. And my passion was always fleeting. But God’s work is permanent; I believe that.

Another reason is if this problem was solved a long time ago I couldn’t share my story with those of you who may have the same problem. Everyday we have to make conscience efforts to not choose our old ways.

Saturday at 6pm Eastern, I’m going to be speaking about a huge addiction that plagues people everywhere and how it does harm to our souls; how it makes harm each other.

I hope you tune in to Rated M and I hope this post helped you. I hope you share with another person who might need it.


My Valentine’s Day


I told the security guard who works in my gran’s building that I was going out.

“In this weather?”

And then I thought about it…what better reason to stay in? But I was on a mission  to enjoy a show with a buddy of mine and then we were driving so the cold didn’t whip me too bad. Omar -HEY OMAR! – scooped me and after I made him wait 20 minutes – sorry- I drove to the spot, Ms. Champagne’s Valentine’s Day show. And we were super early, so we drove until we came across this Turkish restaurant.

To be honest – not that it wasn’t good – but it left me wanting. I had falafel disks, when I was expecting falafel balls and my aluminum tray looked sparse with the added salad; while Omar’s looked full with chicken. They did hook me up with extra falafels because it came with rice – another dietary restriction.

We went back to the spot and people started to file in. Ms. Tonia said she like my blue lip stick that Omar had expressed dislike for.


Grump was the creme de la ceme – THE CREME DE LA CREME- of hype men and MCs. He opened it up, he got the crowd hype, he came to where the people were at. But I’m getting ahead of myself. G baby Wright put on the cutest show. But I think he was rehearsing.

He and his dancers synchronized; their moves were fluid, like they channeled their chi before the show.  The theme and dramatic accents on each of their points were delectable.

Sean Battle, the only poet on the program delivered his eloquence of consciousness. Some poets wrap their lyrics around meter and time. But Sean Battle has such a way with comprehension that

he is able to wrap his  words around meaning. 20160214_231105

I saw what he meant when he said, “using our limbs as straight jackets.”  And my fingers snapped with approval after he finished a poem with  the line – that I must paraphrase – ‘with you, a queen would rather you used her name.’

Johny Bonds got up on stage and threw it down. But who stole the show for me, was Grump.

20160214_232932 (1)

This guy…

He had said he was once one of the top dancers back in the day but I was not expecting for him to come off stage and meet the people…with his moves. When he got on the floor people just gravitated toward him with their phones; they were his own personal spotlight.

He was spinning. 20160214_233953

20160214_233721Flexing and sliding.

Regurgitating the crowd’s energy. 20160214_233846

A rightful owner of the showmanship award.

He closed the show for me. And I mean that quite literally because I had to leave. See, I reside in an old folks home and my folks are old so I didn’t want them to have to come down and let me in late at night.

Blessingly for me, my cousin had spent the night and had stayed up late – as youngin’s like to do – so he let me in.

So my Valentine’s Day was thoroughly enjoyed. Tell me in the comments below about yours.