Survival of the In- Laws Pt. 2

I asked them if they wanted to meet Pastor. They said, “Sure.” Of course he was polite and such and asked my roommate where was her home church.

She honestly told him she didn’t have one. And my pastor gave one of those looks your mother gives you when you decide to touch something you know you are not supposed to touch. Lady smiled sheepishly.

When we finally made it outside to the parking lot in which we were blocked in, a fellow member from the praise dance team came to the rescue to move her pop’s car. While we waited He points out these two kids that he said were, “Talking through the whole service.” I said,

“Are you sure they were the only one?”

And I looked at Her. She didn’t get it at first. But then I said, “You were talking.”

“He said to talk to your neighbor,” she recalled in her defense.

Again, if you know anything about a black Baptist church, you know Her told no lies in this matter. But she practically talked through the whole service. I thought this was pretty rude and surprising since the married couple are both church going Christians.

Before the light turns green, I hop out the car for the bus stop. I figured that was a better idea than waiting to get to the intersection to hold up traffic.

But when I got out I thought, “Oh no, did I offend them about the talking matter? Did it look weird when I got out the car?”

Well, nothing had been said when I got back from Paterson that day.

So, again, am I over thinking it? When I came in they were watching movies. The internet went out and He asked for the number to call the Wifi people. But when he asked me he sounded a little snarky. I knew things were cool when I asked if I could have some of his wine and I was permitted. But…what?

I got a chance to have one final chat before the couple left. I honestly like Them and I hope to see them again. And I hope I made a good impression. …

I just honestly hope that Tenneh doesn’t hate me lol.

Survival of the In-laws

Lady’s cousin and her husband had come up to visit in – laws. I had only one virtual and not – really – interactive, interaction with Lady’s cousin until this past weekend and it wasn’t…unfriendly?

I posted a video.Can we be friends

And she responded it to it.

no new friends

To be honest when I first saw this a year ago, it seemed much meaner to me then than it does now. So upon the arrival of Her I was expecting fire and brimstone.

Her husband popped in first. I was acquainted with Him, Lady’s former roommate. I think he finds me very annoying/ endearing. I think. Anyway, I didn’t think I would be getting roasted by Him.

More on THAT later.

The next day Her came in and she is very talkative but likeable. Strongly opinionated but caring. Mature, but laughed at my silliness. I have to believe that she was truly tickled because I do trust her to say otherwise only having known her for three days. Her first night we stayed up till three talking.

Her second night, the couple and I stayed up discussing marriage. Sunday might have been the point of no return. 

They came to church with me. I say, “me” and not “us” because Lady never goes to church with me. The occasion was Easter Sunday and her cousins. After I praise danced and I sung, I came back to my seat and sat quietly.

Then pastor shouts out something about how ‘this makeup doesn’t show what I’ve been through’ – a phrase you would understand if you were associated with a black Baptist church – and I shout. My pew became quiet – Her and Lady had been talking. I could only imagine that after my sudden outburst they stared.

I sat down not really sure if I had to be courteous to my friends and not act out. In truth, I don’t think I should have been concerned about them at all; my praise has nothing to do with them. Yet, I didn’t want to scare them. When Pastor called for the congregation to ‘praise God’ after his message. I closed my eyes clapped my hands and sang calmly.

For about 5 minutes.

Then I grabbed onto the bench jumped up and down and when I got to tired I sat down and cried. Easter – Resurrection Sunday – is about the day Jesus rose from the dead. He had defeated death, everyone was cleansed from their sins, we have been given a clean slate and granted to live in all eternity with the father; for all who believe in Jesus Christ.

I am not a saint. But I have been forgiven. Even when I do my best, my efforts never mount up to what I mean them to be – because I am faulty. But God’s grace covers all of that.

I was happy. I cared little if they saw it. But I still didn’t want them to be uncomfortable or think I was phony. I don’t know what they thought. But I know when it comes to me and my God it really doesn’t matter.

To be continued

Bills Bills Bills

Yes, I paid my bills.

I paid the internet bill.

I payed the tricity bill.

I make the money to pay all the bills.

Yes. I. Paid. My. Bills. Sooooooooo… My. Adult. Is. Trillz.

I’m popping y’all. I feel so grown up. I doing my makeup right. I’m budgeting, taking care of business; I am doing it. I’m so proud of myself. Last Sunday your girl received an award from church noting her leadership abilities as I continue to strive for excellence. I was one of the women acknowledged during Woman’s History Month. Yay me!

The plaque hangs up in the living room. Very colorful too. I bought internet service for the house. Now we always will have reliable internet. Yay! The cable guy hit on me. He kept smiling at me and stealing glances during the whole appointment. I should not have been taken aback when he asked if I was single and if he could have my number.

“Are you Christian?”

He lifted his confused face up to the ceiling. Well, I knew he wasn’t going to find an answer up there. So I said, “no” for him and we shared a laugh.

I look back on it now and think I could have shared the gospel with him as opposed to possibly making him bitter toward every Christian girl. I could have said,

“Do you believe that the Lord Jesus Christ died for our sins in order that we would have eternal life with the Father?

Not that I would not have sounded less crazy to him. But it’s better than the “no” I shot at him. At least the latter response came with some education that he could have taken home. But now I know better for next time. So I don’t have to sing my shoulda coulda woulda’s.

There’s always room for improvement.

Liberation

I’m an anxious person; I get very afraid and I panic when I think certain situations won’t turn out in my favor. That being said I am liberating myself from this. Anxiety and worrying run in my family and I refuse to let it live in me.

I mean I feel like I can’t breathe, I get the shivers, everything feels like it’s out of my control. I am out of my control. But…

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Not everything is in my control. I pray to God for the wisdom to discern what I can change and what I can’t. I have to make the conscience effort to make the right decision every time. That doesn’t mean I will cross every “T” and dot every “i.” And there will be consequences.

What I don’t want to feel is chest tightness and shortness of breath when I do miss the mark. For some things one just has to step back and do better next time. Tonight I had a panic attack. My roommate has not been talking to me and she has not come home. I feel as if I’m already down the road to losing the closest friend I had in a while.

Oh well. I can only control how I act and how I think, not the actions and thoughts of someone else. This is all I can be concerned with. This is all I can do. I will not let myself emotionally and mentally damage, myself. This time I claim my control. Tonight I will breath easy. And for tomorrow – come what may.

Oh Girl Part 2

I called Omar. Business was good; expanding. He’s doing the 9-5 and performing on the side. Glad to hear it.

“What are you up to?”

“Escaping.”

“Why?”

So I tell him the story. I make my way to the basketball courts. I walk around admiring my cute shoes as I speak to Omar. We tell jokes, insult each other, laugh; just what I needed. What I didn’t need is random tall white to come out at night and decide he wanted to shoot hoops in an inner city basketball court.

I’m bout to die.

This was my first thought but homey did him. I kept my eye on him until he left; he might have been waiting on someone. Then this black guy comes and starts shooting – and by shooting I mean missing every shot he attempts. And I’m still like, “oh shi…” Omar tells a joke that the guy should try golf like Michael Jordan when I tell him how bad he is.

Another guy comes and joins him. They start a game and I continue talking to Omar. My minutes are almost obsolete. Omar and I make a plan to meet up. I call Lady to ask if her car is available; she’s out of the house so that means no but…

she’s out of the house.

I debate calling off the rendezvous and go home. But na, what fun would that have been? Plus, I said we would meet. Luckily, he was willing to drive across town to me. After I hang up I decided to walk to the court parallel to mine to see who won the game. The better player, looked like he had ran a marathon and soon would be in need of medical attention. He didn’t even have enough breath to defend his fatigue when the ‘Michael Jordan of golf’ proposed that he had won.

Introductions were made, the better player left and I stayed around to pick on Michael Jordan.

And for all you moms out there saying I, a young lady, should not be out at night by myself; I wasn’t. I was in a well lit basketball court with a young man who by the grace of God didn’t assault me. So there.

We found out we both had attended Montclair State. He was still attending. He asked me what I did? I told him I was a part of a radio show in which I had a Christian segment. His eyelids stretched toward the court lights. He was also a Christian; struggling with lust and trying to stay accountable in his faith.

I told him my ordeal.

“Are you a only child?”

“Are you spoiled?”

“Do you feel that this guy upsets your spirit?”

I’m not sure I should have shared my situation but I appreciated this strangers attempts to help me better understand myself. A half hour later, when he decided that granny – style shooting would improve his shooting odds, we were still discussing our issues. I felt like I had made a new friend and this walk down ‘Hurt Little Girl Lane’ wasn’t so random and pointless.

“Why do I have to be prepared in order to marry? There’s no way to be prepared for marriage.”

I disagreed.

“I am not ready to be married because I am not ready to constantly put someone else’s needs and feelings before my own for the rest of my life. I’m too selfish. I’m not ready.”

He considered this.

“Then you have to stop being selfish.”

“I won’t be like this forever but now is not the time. If I met my husband right now honey boo boo would have to wait a few years.”

The court lights went black right around the time Omar had showed up with the getaway car. Play time was over. I took his number glad I met someone who was of the Kingdom.

He drove me up to my apartment and I switched from his car to Omar’s. Happily ready to begin another adventure.

Oh girl

New problem, same person…me.

So, I’m in the house watching “Inside Out” and as was told to me beforehand, the visitor  came in. I mean homey’s boyfriend.

“Oh boy.”

It’s not like I don’t like him. I don’t even know him. He gave me a ride to Gyroscope Radio once; he seemed pretty nice actually. Other than that occasion he doesn’t make an attempt to speak to me. We do the “high” and “bye” thing. But when they’re here, in the apartment, together and I can hear the chuckling and playing and …togetherness. I get so …jealous.

I don’t want Lady to have any other friends except me, that includes boyfriends. No. I am not in love with her. I do however, sometimes have the mentality of a five year old.

“My, best friend! Mine!”

I am aware that Lady does not belong to me but I guess I do feel anxiety about the possibility that I could lose her as a friend. For nearly any reason.

I’m also jealous that she is in a relationship. I don’t have one of my own and its not even that I want a boyfriend or that I am lonely. But I remember. I remember what it’s like to receive a text from a significant other – whether you were having a bad day or not – that let you know you were on their mind. I remember the random quick kisses – some taken for granted -but never ceased to work their inner magic and let you know you were loved.

I remember having to fight for a kiss- long dreads swinging as my efforts were pushed off by strong biceps. I also remember making him fight for a kiss just to pick. I remember the embraces. Nothing had to be said or done.

In your hearts lied secrets, protected by intertwined arms.

I remember what it was like to have those moments and it makes me sad that I am without. Especially when they are so close but are not for me to partake in. I feel jealous that she has something I do not.

So, after the show when I came home and found the boyfriend still there, I decided I would leave. Lady said hello, I responded put my things down, made sure I had my debit card in case I got hungry and left.

I walked around the block and decided to call an old friend. My government phone minutes were low but desperate times call for desperate measures right?

Girl Fight Part 2

Lady and I still weren’t talking. Any responses to a question from either end were one word answers. The only conversation we had were one sentence questions. Again, I thought I was soon to be out of there.

Saturday before my radio show, I decided to ask her how she felt about the whole situation.

“…I felt attacked. I was confused because I thought why is she coming at me like this I did nothing to her.”

“I [me] was upset because we already had a discussion about this key. You, saying that you might need the key you gave me back sounded suspicious to me. If I can’t get into this apartment when I need to I’m moving out because I’m not risking my life by standing outside late at night waiting for you to let me in.”

I almost have no where else to go. I can’t stay with my grandmother because the landlord will go up on her lease. She can’t afford that. Living with my mother is not an option. Also, I am involved with so many things I need to be able to come and go without disturbing anyone; a duty that is not that fulfilled living with old ladies.

An equally important point was that I didn’t want to lose a friend over a key. If we had a fight cool, whatever, but the not making up part – that was an issue.

I have very few friends which I feel I can trust; who allow me to be myself unapologetically. Since Cassandra past away Lady is that number one person; not that I can’t live without her, I really would not like to.

Her issue with situation – outside of the fact that I was aggressive – was that I accused her of being mean. I hardly thought the way I addressed things would hurt her feelings but they really had; hence her avoiding me.

“I thought, she must not know me because I would never do that,” Lady pleaded.

I said,

“I don’t know you because you shut people out.”

My big issue was that we had one fight and ol girl wanted to pretend I didn’t exist. Which is fine when you need your space to calm down but not forever. Were we friends or not?

“If I never would have came to you today we would have never had had this conversation and that’s a problem. If you have a problem with me you should say something.”

We both admitted that we were learning how to live with one another. Tears were shed, apologies were made, hugs were given followed by a big kiss which lady tried to escape. I still succeeded to plant one her cheek.

I realized that one has to physically make an effort to make any relationship better. There is work that needs to be done within the party but also within the individual. Lady needs to be more open about how she feels. I need to step back and really think about how I come off before I just burst and say however I am feeling. Though I hate how we learned it, I’m glad the lesson brought us closer.