I come home.
And I ask my mother if she’s ok. Most nights when I come home my mother is sitting on her phone, playing some version of Tetris. When I’m home and it’s late my mother is on her phone playing some version of Tetris. I ask if she would like to play a game of scrabble instead.
“No, I’m already playing my game.”
Ok. I asked if she made any more phone calls to the people she discusses money issues with. She say’s, “why?” I’m only asking. I’m only asking because I want to know if she’s ok.
“Who did you work for today?”
“Is he a man?”
“A white man?”
“Who is there with y’all?”
“He gave you money to come home?”
“You don’t think that’s strange that he only gives you money to come back?”
In between her explaining why she thinks (or knows) I don’t understand the dangers of working with/for people I don’t know, I become combative/ defensive; I don’t want to let her finish speaking. She tells me to shutup and leave.
“You’re not gonna yell at me!”
She tells me I think I’m grown, and she’s stupid and she doesn’t know anything. I say she knows nothing about freelancing.
Even writing this bubbles up enough frustration that I want to start yelling all over again.
Why am I frustrated? Let me explain; I am 24 (say’s the title). I know, just stick with me here. I have been going to the city at least three times a week on my own, navigating my way through the city. I have been handling my business on my own, dealing with different personalities – fuck – paying bills on my own! And my mom still doesn’t think I have enough sense to know when someone is trying to use me.
It’s just when have I done enough for her to recognize that I am a big girl. I can look out for myself when no else one is. I will never be capable enough for her. Now before you get all hoity toity on me and agree with her and say I don’t know enough about the world and I’m still young and such. I am wise enough to know there are still some tricks I haven’t learned and some tricky people I have not met. That does not mean I am not learning. That also does not mean I have not learned a lesson of which she could have not spared me anyway. What I want her to do is fall back and let me do me.
It’s hard to talk to parents when they are like this. All I ask is that she listen. I am quite frankly tired of it – listening – at least to her. Now before you go on again, what she was saying to me about the aforementioned gig she has said before. Why I cut her off – I heard it before. Why did she repeat it? She thinks…
“She just don’t get it.”
But in actuality (if I may be so bold) she doesn’t get it. She has never done a production gig. She does not know how my field works but only understands that it exist. For those of you who don’t know what a gig is like for those on-the-come-up; it’s basically an internship. That means if you’re not a lucrative professional you may not make any money. You will also be hard pressed to find internships in the broadcasting field that will pay – at least not in monetary form. What you gain is experience.
I get the job from this site called Media Match. The job states in its description that they are willing to pay or not willing to pay or if its low pay. I take the job to get comfortable in the position that I will be working in the future.
I take the job so that I will be worth the big bucks in the future.
What my employers have provided me with is transportation money. So I am able to come back; keep working, learning, making connects, gaining etc. My mom thought that was the weird part – that I would keep going to work for people that I already made a commitment to. That I would show up to work only to be rewarded with being able to come back in order to learn some more.
I may be late on this experience; learning with no monetary gain. But that’s my fault and I don’t regret it as I said in my previous post, “Let me just start by saying…”
And in case you were wondering, my mom’s feelings about heading to the city to freelance and all that jazz when I was in college would have been the same.
Can you relate?